Montana thoughts

Love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you areall my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

So today on Father’s Day this is what passed through consciousness at the pool. Apologies needed to be written. My first will be to Diana. She of almost perfect grace and beauty. She was my second love. I loved her from a far for a while. She was untouchable or I thought so at the time. She dated a frat guy. At Colby College, after the abolishment of the fraternities they still existed. They were still strong. Active in parties and all social activities and be smart and in a frat and semi attractive you got the girls. Di where ever you are I am sorry for letting my control over you govern what could have been an excellent time. I tried to strong arm manage it from a distance instead of letting it go. We talked forever. I was her Organic Chemistry TA. From there it led to a friendship. And in one night on Stuyvesant’s roof in the fall of my senior year just talking, I think that I fell in love. Yes, she was/is beautiful at least in my memory but it was/is more than that. We talked for hours. We talked wrapped up in each other. We spoke of the future. We spoke about the present. We didn’t kiss then. I love really intelligent women. For that I apologize also.

Maybe she didn’t even remember him. He was sure that it made no difference to her on which day he appeared: for her, every day was the same, and when each day is the same as the next, it’s because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises. -Coelho, The Alchemist

Finished The Alchemist while out in Montana attending a conference. Need to read it again. I was given the book by a patient of mine who looked at me and said I have something for you to read. It’s about a journey. I fear death less as I am committed to living my life more fully and completely. Honestly. At least with myself. I have been living my life looking back and forward and not looking around enough. That’s a message that has been passed on by the books. One message of many. Look for the goal that you’ve forgotten about that you dreamt of when you were a child. Hold on to the pursuit of that dream.

My little red light

My little red light hangs on my neck

as I lay frightened in the forest

waiting for the bear

waiting for the moose

waiting for sleep to fall into

my lap

My little red light dangles

imperceptibly from my shoulders

funny little safety blanket

Do I leave it on?

My little red head light

presses itself to my chest

my soul, preserved once

twice, remedially, tactfully

remote remorse

My little red light successfully

helped me survived

the cold, frigid

Big Sky night.

Lunch at the farmer’s market with a good friend

A few days ago, I had lunch with Katie. She is one of my good friends. She has just graduated from medical school. She is headed back home to Chicago to start a internal medicine/pediatric residency. She is one of the most well rounded people I have met. When I wrote her letter of recommendation I only could hint at her superstar status. She will be great. We planned it a few weeks ago. I asked K where she wanted to go and she said that she needed a Farmer’s Market fix. I was surprised but excited as it had been weeks since I had eaten there. I was overjoyed that it had left an imprint on K. You know the reliability of food and all. Had thai veggie food. It was good. The company better. One of the new third years had lunch with us and it was eye opening for her in the way Katie and I interacted. She figured that we were really good friends. K had edited and read my short story. I will miss her. I will  really miss her. I started to cry a little. I am proud of her. It was like letting one of your kids go off without you.

Play musical name that tune with one of my residents last week. She would name the musical then say song that everyone knows or song that very few people know or your favorite song. I did really well. Sang some tunes that I love and that I knew. Had to look up a few lyrics.

My youngest daughter turned one yesterday and a great big party. Ribs with rub from South Carolina. Our family BBQ place in Latta, Shuler’s. If you ever get headed down the road toward Myrtle Beach, stop by. It is truly a feast. Buffet, ribs, fried chicken, and sides, sweet tea and dessert. Anyway after having an Anchor Steam( the beer that seems to be our home brew) a reminder for me of one of the best meals of my life in San Fransisco in the Marina District. First real at home beer in months. And ribs, first red meat in weeks. Someone was talking about singing and musicals. Then the surprise, the person talking said,”Have Norm sing for you. He’s got a great voice.” That surprised me. Very few people hear my voice outside of church and funerals. “Sing something.” I am usually very timid about singing with my friends and family. And singing for someone who I didn’t really know well. I sang “Who knows where I’ve been” from Hairspray (see lyrics above). Mid volume. With little embellishment. And in my kitchen in the face of a party. I must say it sounded great. My kids stopped in their tracks. Cuz they know about Dad’s singing. People stopped to listen. I made people happy. “That was fantastic. You have a lot of surprising things that you do well.” For the first time in a few days, I felt really good. Drove the Mini yesterday. Semi auto S. Needs new tires. Told the owner so. Oh yeah grilled the ribs. Did a kicking pork loin. Didn’t eat until 9 really. Fell asleep on the couch exhausted at 11.

Both interactions and others reminded me of something that I had forgotten as I work myself out of a funk. Weeks of funk. Reminded me of why I write and why really I exist. Relationships. Interactions really. Without them we die. Basic necessities. Food, water, shelter and then interactions with others. Solitude is not existence. Don’t need the fancy cars, big houses, designer clothes. Do they make things better? Sure. But really it’s the interactions, especially the ones centered around love, that really matter. Love comes only if once or twice in people’s lives. Don’t deny it. Revel in it. Embrace it. I have found that out recently in these interactions.  Fight for it, hurt for it. That’s okay. At least you’ve hurt and fought for something truly worth living for. We put up these big walls. Some strong and some only smoke screens. But if we let them down even for a little while and let the interactions really affect us, only then we will have one of those things that I believe we truly need to exist. Be responsible for the interaction, nuture it, don’t be afraid to get dirty. Don’t be afraid to dance in the forest alone to a tune that only you know, but realize that people love you. People need you.

So in the light of songs and the above and from my eleventh year, and my second year on Long Island, Billy Joel, Stranger(1977):

While in these days of quiet desperation
As I wander through the world in which I live
I search everywhere for some new inspiration
But it’s more than cold reality can give
If I need a cause for celebration
Or a comfort I can use to ease my mind
I rely on my imagination
And I dream of an imaginary timeI know that everybody has a dream
Everybody has a dream
And this is my dream, my own
Just to be at home
And to be all alone…with you

If I believe in all the words I’m saying
And if a word from you can bring a better day
Then all I have are these games that I’ve been playing
To keep my hope from crumbling away
So let me lie and let me go on sleeping
And I will lose myself in palaces of sand
And all the fantasies that I have been keeping
Will make the empty hours easier to stand

I know that everybody has a dream
Everybody has a dream
And this is my dream, my own
Just to be at home
And to be all alone…with you

 

 

I realized that I am blessed to have the ability to have family, friends and relationships that really matter. Interactions that really matter. They have saved me once from darkness. Out the light darkness. That has been my safe place. I have promised myself that I will not go there again. I will not go there again. With the acceptance of this, I am happy. I am centered.

75 Skills that a Man Should Master

So surfing the web and checking email last night I found this link from Esquire –

http://www.esquire.com/features/essential-skills-0508

I went through them all and I have personally accomplished 71 out of 75. I am specially proud of 19, 22,  and 73.

The four that haven’t been done or mastered are:

#4: Score a baseball game. Tried this once at a Mets game in the 80s. Need an old person to help get this started. I know no old person that is into baseball enough to teach me how to do this.

#14: Chop down a tree. Not going to happen. Chop wood maybe, chop down at tree never.

#21: Argue with a European. Enough said.

#36: Bet at craps. Don’t gamble. Don’t plan on gambling. Have better things to do with my limited disposable income.

Okay read the list. Check off the ones that you personally have done and mastered. Think about the ones that would be or should be on a woman’s list.

 

Leave the gun, take the cannolis

May 8th:

What has happened over the past few weeks is beyond billable hours. Beyond income and stress of income. Beyond the stress of normal life. I haven’t posted recently because of it. But what I realized is that this is part of my outlet. In the face of having no others. Well, fly fishing. Which I haven’t done because of the time. Time used to be this endless commodity.

I wish that I could just run away and hide. Beneath the covers of a warm, soft bed.

The line from above is from the Godfather. Another line that comes to mind is “master of my domain” from Seinfeld.

I am not depressed, just hyper thoughtful.  Thinking about it, I have spent my life as hyper thoughtful.

My life needs to move to a better place than where it is today or even yesterday. That place may be so alone. That move may be so selfish. That move is also self less. I need to move to my place where I don’t get hurt. The place where all is calm.

To paraphrase Randy Pausch of Last Lecture fame : Love is having someone’s happiness be more important than your own. Live life with passion and love.

When that happens to me, I’ll crawl out of my created cave.

The story, now novella, is slowly continuing forward. I need to make decisions there too. And you can have this heart to break. — Billy Joel

May 27:

Wow! where was I for that? That was a true mindless or mindful rant. Maybe I am just a little anxious. I am going to Montana in a few weeks for a mid summer Yellowstone fix. Living in a tent because of being so cheap as to forgo the creature comforts of a bed and shower. Also it will be Walden like. All of us need a Walden fix now and again.

If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.

Though I am old enough to have discovered that
the dreams of youth are not to be realized in this state of existence
yet I think it would be the next greatest happiness always to be allowed
to look under the eyelids of time and contemplate the perfect steadily
with the clear understanding that I do not attain to it

I learned this, at least, by my experiment;
that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams,
and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined,
he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

- Thoreau

I titled this post almost a month ago when scanning through channels and seeing the Godfather. Maybe this is what can be taken from Thoreau. The gun once that act is done is unimportant and just becomes evidence of the crime. The cannolis are more important. Sweet ricotta, the crunch of the initial bite. The cannolis are the future, something to look forward to, however transient they may be.

Over the past four months since turning 42 I have given up a lot:

1) Instead of 8 cups of coffee a day, I have one granted large cup of coffee.

2) I have given up soda and fruit juice. Water and propel.

3) I eat breakfast now everyday without fail. Usually something with large amounts of fiber and naturally sweetened. My favorite now is Kashi.

4) I have had red meat sparingly. and if I eat it, I eat tons of green leafy stuff with it. Basically replaced two meals with cereal or a good healthy alternative.

5) I have had dessert only 4 times.

6) I have had alcohol only 5 times.

7) I have had NO fast food.

I take the stairs if given the option, more down than up. The eight flights to Labor and Delivery are a killer.
9) I have cut my hair twice. Trims only.

10) Spent 3 weeks being master of my domain. The release was mindblowing.

11) I walk whenever I get the chance to walk to the point that the kids will ask whether I am walking or not on any given day. It’s nice to have a five mile walking path right outside the house. Beats treadmill any day. I’ll start wearing the backpack soon. Getting ready for the altitude of Yellowstone and the Slough Creek death crawl. But this year I am ready.

And I have lost weight. I think my penis looks bigger. Unused but bigger. I went from large scrubs to small bottoms and medium shirt.

I don’t know why really. Maybe I was seeing death all around me. My grandmother died a few weeks ago. My cousin’s husband had a heart attack at 42. My uncle Dan died more than a year ago. And there are people who need me in their lives. I got an award for being the Outstanding Medical Mentor from the graduating class. It made my week. Little positive steps and pats on the back.

I long for the Lamar valley. I think I am going to sit cross legged on the shore of Soda Butte creek and let the scene overwhelm my senses. One needs that every now and then. Like a slap in the face but it feels so much better. Like my protagonist in the novella.  A poem from the story that I found looking at my writing in college and medical school( that was a long time ago):

My life with you is lived

Through closed sleeping eyes

dreaming mind, emotions

Become physical, words only

hint at the reality of passion

Here I stand at your doorstep

Waiting, watching for a reaction

Resisting a flighty vision, transient

listening touching the ground

feeling the footsteps of love

Just on the other side

just on the other side

Tomorrow or twenty years

Become passionate carefully

Purchased ramblings portend

The distance closes

In kisses, caresses

Our souls, our hearts

The bud of her yearning

Flowers approach silent storm

Tacit, simple, love

Crushing, complex, sex

Touch the moon once with me

Dear love

Quake with me once

Dear love, past hopes

present needs

Speak not of other thoughts

Wants and visions

There is no nightmare

There is no censure

Crash into me as much as you

Allow

Crash into me voluntarily

Not arbitarily

Crash into me becuase of need

Because of want

Take my hand and I will lead

Relax and let me touch you body

Flesh touching flesh

Heart bared to heart

My life with you in these seconds

Lived through closed slits

Let nothing pass

Gates of reason

My life with you in these hours

Eyes wide open

– From 1993

That was so long ago. So long ago. And with this I leave you. On the banks of the Soda Butte. Welcoming the cool waters, sensing winter is coming not too soon.

An e-mail that made me laugh, smile and cry all at the same time

My little brother sent this amazing email:

So, it's not only Ava's Brownie troops' "culture month" (focused on the
Philippines this year...apparently one of the leaders' mom is Filipino), but
it's also Ava's turn to be "leader of the week" at school...so she had to
present "a woman she admires" (Cory Aquino, since at the recent school-wide
"women we admire" day she presented Juliette Gordon Low, founder of US Girl
Scouts) and also a little about her ethnic background.

Needless to say, Laura and I have been up to our ears in paper crafts that
approximate certain native feats with bamboo and rattan.  And, of course,
the food of our ancestors.

So last night I attempted to make my first ever batch of Tocino.  I kind of
screwed up the cooking part...one recipe I have calls for boiling the meat
down with the marinade into a reduction of red goodness.  Which is I'm sure
a long process that Atching Mals would have supervised diligently while
simultaneously looking after any one of us (or perhaps all of us!).  I think
this sets the color/flavor into the meat without any browning.

Alas, I did not have time for Mals-worthy pot watching, so once I had the
meat cooked a bit, I slapped the pieces into a frying pan to put a bit of
carmelization on it.

Fried up some eggs, made some rice, and had...DINNER!  (In classic Fil-Am
style, no vegetable was harmed in the making of this meal!) But the real
reason why I'm writing this is to tell you about the condiment I made from
memory...white vinegar, black pepper, and crushed garlic in a little dish,
to spoon over the tocino, cutting the sweet saltiness of the lightly cured
meat.

And I'm telling you guys that one hit of that stuff, even one
sniff...brought me way back.  To Brooklyn, Malverne, Rockland, and any place
we ever broke open a bag of chicharones and dipped them into a similar
vinegar based concoction.

I literally said out loud to no one in particular, "That is a vinegar
powered time machine right there..."  Of course, the kids asked what I
meant.  And I told them, sometime years from now, when they live far away
from their mom and dad and perhaps even from each other, they'll make some
dish from their childhood ("Adobo!" they both chimed in.) and remember,
hopefully fondly, all those times sitting at the wooden table at Creek Road.

So I have received my ultimate job interview: Montana. It is a job that in the deepest places of my heart I have wanted. It's working with people I really like. Where do I go?
I turn to Whitman:

Spontaneous me, Nature,

The loving day, the mounting sun, the friend I am happy with,

The arm of my friend hanging idly over my shoulder,

The hillside whiten’d with blossoms of the mountain ash,

The same late in autumn, the hues of red, yellow, drab, purple, and light and dark green,

The rich coverlet of the grass, animals and birds, the private untrimm’d bank, the primitive apples, the pebble-stones,

Beautiful dripping fragments, the negligent list of one after another as I happen to call them to me or think of them,

The real poems, (what we call poems being merely pictures,)

The poems of the privacy of the night, and of men like me,

This poem drooping shy and unseen that I always carry, and that all men carry,

(Know once for all, avow’d on purpose, wherever are men like me, are our lusty lurking masculine poems,)

Love-thoughts, love-juice, love-odor, love-yielding, love-climbers, and the climbing sap,

Arms and hands of love, lips of love, phallic thumb of love, breasts of love, bellies press’d and glued together with love,

Earth of chaste love, life that is only life after love,

The body of my love, the body of the woman I love, the body of the man, the body of the earth,

Soft forenoon airs that blow from the south-west,

The hairy wild-bee that murmurs and hankers up and down, that gripes the full-grown lady-flower, curves upon her with amorous firm legs, takes his will of her, and holds himself tremulous and tight till he is satisfied;

The wet of woods through the early hours,

Two sleepers at night lying close together as they sleep, one with an arm slanting down across and below the waist of the other,

The smell of apples, aromas from crush’d sage-plant, mint, birch-bark,

The boy’s longings, the glow and pressure as he confides to me what he was dreaming,

The dead leaf whirling its spiral whirl and falling still and content to the ground,

The no-form’d stings that sights, people, objects, sting me with,

The hubb’d sting of myself, stinging me as much as it ever can any one,

The sensitive, orbic, underlapp’d brothers, that only privileged feelers may be intimate where they are,

The curious roamer the hand roaming all over the body, the bashful withdrawing of flesh where the fingers soothingly pause and edge themselves,

The limpid liquid within the young man,

The vex’d corrosion so pensive and so painful,

The torment, the irritable tide that will not be at rest,

The like of the same I feel, the like of the same in others,

The young man that flushes and flushes, and the young woman that flushes and flushes,

The young man that wakes deep at night, the hot hand seeking to repress what would master him,

The mystic amorous night, the strange half-welcome pangs, visions, sweats,

The pulse pounding through palms and trembling encircling fingers, the young man all color’d, red, ashamed, angry;

The souse upon me of my lover the sea, as I lie willing and naked,

The merriment of the twin babes that crawl over the grass in the sun, the mother never turning her vigilant eyes from them,

The walnut-trunk, the walnut-husks, and the ripening or ripen’d long-round walnuts,

The continence of vegetables, birds, animals,

The consequent meanness of me should I skulk or find myself indecent, while birds and animals never once skulk or find themselves indecent,

The great chastity of paternity, to match the great chastity of maternity,

The oath of procreation I have sworn, my Adamic and fresh daughters,

The greed that eats me day and night with hungry gnaw, till I saturate what shall produce boys to fill my place when I am through,

The wholesome relief, repose, content,

And this bunch pluck’d at random from myself,

It has done its work–I toss it carelessly to fall where it may.

So I move to someplace remote and uncomfortable. So spontaneous. So visceral.

Easter lesson

So small church in South Central PA. Message was Mary Magdelene at the tomb. You know rock moved away. What I took from that was really important. We will not know Him until he calls us by name. That is it really. Things will not make sense. Life won’t be important. This goes for relationships too. Relationships never are really that important until people call us out for help. And only then will we recognize their importance in our lives. Scenario is played out in real life too. Getting the ball with no time left to make the game winning shot. Hitting the putt to win a major tournament. These are not so important in light of Mary’s story. For me though the message was clear. We may not recognize what and who we are, but we must go when called. 

There’s a light
In the darkness
Though the night
Is black as my skin
There’s a light
Burning bright
Showing me the way
But i know where i’ve been

There’s a cry
In the distance
It’s a voice
That comes from deep within
There’s a cry
Asking why
I pray the answer’s up ahead
‘Cause i know where i’ve been

There’s a road
We’ve been travelin’
Lost so many on the way
But the riches
Will be plenty
Worth the price we
Had to pay

There’s a dream
In the future
There’s a struggle
We have yet to win
And there’s pride
In my heart
‘Cause i know
Where i’m going
And i know where i’ve been

There’s a road
We must travel
There’s a promise
We must make
‘Cause the riches
Will be plenty
Worth the risk
And chances that we take
There’s a dream
In the future
There’s a struggle

We have yet to win
Use that pride
In our hearts
To lift us up
To tomorrow

‘Cause just to sit still
Would be a sin

God, please help me find some peace today. To be stronger today. Give me strength and fortitude to move forward. Baby steps even a crawl.

Lesson learned

I have supported Barack Obama ever since I read his book, the Audacity of Hope over a year ago. I became a citizen a little over a year ago. April 22 will be the first time that I will vote. My vote will count. My vote will stand for something. We can talk change. We can talk about the war. We can talk about the economy. I have said that relationships are important. One of my medical students, Scott, who also likes Barack, asked me if I had heard Obama’s speech on race. I had not. I have spent a lot of time in the hospital over the past few weeks. Doing my job. He sent me the link that I am posting here. A warning that it is long.

Yes, the speech is about race, but more importantly it reminded me why I like Barack so much. He speaks about how that change will come about and where it will start. He speaks about injustices that are present on multiple levels. This is why this speech is important. Listen to it. Note its difference from everything else you have heard in politics. Thanks Scott for reminding me. Lesson learned. Lesson remembered.

So okay….

I am doing a lot of work in the hospital giving me time to catch up on sleep and movies. Sleep and movies that it seems everyone else has seen. Into the Wild, No Country for Old Men, Atonement, In Good Company are just some of the movies. Watching NCAAs too. The quote below is from Into the Wild and is read completely by the protagonist near the start of the movie. It struck me as significant and a needed thing to hear in the context of the movie.

I see them standing at the formal gates of their colleges,
I see my father strolling out
under the ochre sandstone arch, the
red tiles glinting like bent
plates of blood behind his head, I
see my mother with a few light books at her hip
standing at the pillar made of tiny bricks with the
wrought-iron gate still open behind her, its
sword-tips black in the May air,
they are about to graduate, they are about to get married,
they are kids, they are dumb, all they know is they are
innocent, they would never hurt anybody.
I want to go up to them and say Stop,
don’t do it — she’s the wrong woman,
he’s the wrong man, you are going to do things
you cannot imagine you would ever do,
you are going to do bad things to children,
you are going to suffer in ways you never heard of,
you are going to want to die. I want to go
up to them there in the late May sunlight and say it,
her hungry pretty blank face turning to me,
her pitiful beautiful untouched body,
his arrogant handsome blind face turning to me,
his pitiful beautiful untouched body,
but don’t do it. I want to live. I
take them up like the male and female
paper dolls and bang them together
at the hips like chips of flint as if to
strike sparks from them, I say
Do what you are going to do, and I will tell about it. –Sharon Olds

A part of the time in the hospital has been spent thinking and praying. Yes, praying. In the light of Easter. Psalm 28:

6 Praise the Lord,
because he heard my prayer for help.
7 The Lord is my strength and shield.
I trust him, and he helps me.
I am very happy,
and I praise him with my song.
8 The Lord is powerful;
he gives victory to his chosen one.
9 Save your people
and bless those who are your own.
Be their shepherd and carry them forever.

New media. Phone text poetry. Thought the Japanese can do text novels; I can start with text poetry. This was my first entitled: Life in 160 characters –

It is clear

Set in heartbeats

Distance prancing immobile

Ur hand placed against

My chest

Voluntary resolve

Lost frightened

Of the new coming of the day

Beating

Just a blat posting to show where my head is. Also walking on Labor and Delivery last night someone asked me to sing something. Blast from the past. And what came out was this little ditty by Dan Hill.I knew all the words.

Happy Easter.

On being a real “doctor”

A close friend has come to the realization that yes I am a real doctor. The MD type. What does a really doctor mean? Or more importantly what does it mean to me? How does my meaning affect my care or ability to care?

Chapter 26 Le Petit Prince excerpt:

“What are you trying to say?”

“All men have the stars,” he answered, “but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You–you alone–will have the stars as no one else has them–”

“What are you trying to say?”

“In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night . . . You–only you–will have stars that can laugh!”

And he laughed again.

“And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure . . . And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, ‘Yes, the stars always make me laugh!’ And they will think you are crazy. It will be a very shabby trick that I shall have played on you . . .”

This important few words come from Chapter 26 of a book that I have read multiple times in my life. A few times in Malverne, a few times growing up, in college and medical school. I read it almost completely just last year. I have read it in French. It is beautiful in French. For me at different times it means relationships. Remember that’s what this blog is all about. Relationships. Norm’s relationship with his family, friends, the water, his created sphere. The relationship here is even present in if the other person is not there because of what the pair have build together. I think that it’s part of what I bring to any relationship of importance. It comes into most importance for me in my role of physician and teacher. I am there even when I am not. Improvement of self in bits. Bits being interactions. Interactions in relationships. And those relationships are always evolving. Moving.

People don’t understand my interactions with people in my life. Scott one of my medical students this rotation shadowed me in the office about two weeks ago. It was one of his first days on the rotation. At the end of the day, he had a “how did you do that?” type of moment that I wished happened to every student rotating with me. “Do what?” “Pass through roles as doctor and friend and still retain the fact that you are a person?” I told him about my difficulties in medical school. His medical school. I had decided to go at it my way. Success or failure. And that success carried into my interactions with everyone and that included patients. There are plenty of doctors who don’t do any of these things. That’s okay. I have cried, laughed, and cursed in front of patients. I do it all the time. More often than not I have a smile on my face. It’s practicing medicine this way that genuinely makes me happy. Patients and everyone around me see that. I wear my emotions on the outside. When I am smiling, that smile is real. I feel it. And when I don’t, people know that something maybe even something little is out of sorts. I can’t fake a smile.

So I am a doctor because I remind myself that I am allowed to feel. Have emotion. Take the cards dealt and spread them around and look at them. I look at them a lot more than I think people are used to doing for themselves. And people, patients see that.

It was before third year started. Hershey Park Stadium. I know that because I saw GNR from the parking lot in between days one and two of boards part one. I don’t know why I am taken there now.

She’s got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I’d stare too long
I’d probably break down and cry

She’s got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I’d hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

Wow that was ages ago. Anyway that’s part of it too. Staying and remaining well rounded. Staying with the memory that sadly is losing its sharpness. I want to sing like Axel. Or at least have one great tattoo.

So:

1)Enjoy what you do.

2) Stay honest to why you do it.

3) Do it your way.

4) Rock it when you can.

Peace.

Wow that shit really didn’t make any sense.

Why lunch at the farmer’s market helps

On most Thursdays and Fridays if I work in the office, I usually go to the Jackson House for a great burger or to the Broad Street Market. This Thursday was an unusually bad day. Over the past 6 weeks I have given up caffeine, alcohol, dessert, excess food, the use of the elevator and turn to Kashi as my source for all things good. oh yeah no fast food. I have lost weight. My mind is clearer. So Rya, one of my favorite medical students, Lynn and Pam and I went to the Market. I had my one cup of Starbucks. Going from a venti(multiple) to a single tall over the past 6 weeks hasn’t been as difficult as it might seem. Since it was such a bad day, I resolved to have ice cream for lunch. I haven’t had ice cream for months. Months. Two scoops mint chocolate chip served by a Menonite girl in the middle of the market. Two bucks. I really, really enjoyed it. Lynn brings up Carole King and that was enough. People who know me well know that music has always been part of my life. Tapestry along with Judith were two albums that defined my upbringing and youth. I thought back 25 years. I though back multiple post ago and even recent posts about residents and my students. Though about Sarah B. Thought about everyone important in my life. Especially think about Match Day next week. Thought about transitions and change. Lynn and I broke into song, the same song. Lynn thanks for reminding me that Carole King says what I am feeling so well:

FYI, updated March 23, 2007 post so it makes sense.